Quelques citations
À défaut d'avoir retrouvé l'inspiration, je vous livre quelques citations...

 

BONHEUR

- "Le bonheur c'est la somme de tous les malheurs qu'on n'a pas", Marcel Achard

- "Un des secrets du bonheur, c'est d'être indifférent à sa propre humeur", Émile Chartier Alain

- "Il n'y a pas de honte à préférer le bonheur", Jean Calvin

- "Le bonheur n'accepte comme conjointe que la réalité", Daniel Desbiens

- "Rêve en couleur, c'est le secret du bonheur", Walt Disney !!!! [He definitely got it !]

- "La mélancolie, c'est le bonheur d'être triste", Victor Hugo

- "Le bonheur c'est tout de suite ou jamais", Marcel Jouhandeau

- "Lorsque se ferme la porte d'une occasion de bonheur, une autre s'ouvre; mais nous regardons si souvent la porte fermée que nous ne voyons pas celle qui s'est ouverte pour nous", Helen Keller

- "La plupart des gens sont heureux dans la mesure où ils ont décidé de l'être", Abraham Lincoln [lui, il avait tout compris!]

- "Ne laissez personne venir à vous et repartir sans être plus heureux", Mère Térésa [elle a tellement raison]

- "Carpe Diem"

 

AMOUR

- ". .. l'amour, c'est peut-être d'être égoïstes ensemble", Marcel Achard

- " Aimer c'est souffrir. Pour éviter de souffrir, on ne doit pas aimer, mais alors on souffre de ne pas aimer", Woody Allen [ouais... pas facile!]

- " Comme l'amour est aveugle, il est important de se toucher", Anonyme [hahahaha]

- " L'amour n'est pas à prendre, mais à subir", Anonyme

- " Il n'y a pas d'amour heureux", Louis Aragon

- " Aimer quelqu'un qui vous aime, c'est du narcissisme. Aimer quelqu'un qui ne vous aime pas, ça, c'est de l'amour", Frédéric Beigbeder

- " L'amour est le problème des gens qui n'ont pas de problèmes", Frédéric Beigbeder [ Tellement!!!!!...]

- " Un coeur patient est un coeur triste", Laure Conan

- " La raison prépare l'amour", Antoine de St-Exupéry

 

IMAGINATION

- "Qui n'a pas d'imagination n'a pas d'ailes", Muhammed Ali (Cassius Clay)

- "Imagination: entrepôts d'idées, dont le poète et le menteur sont copropriétaires", Ambrose Bierce

- "L'imagination est plus importante que le savoir", Albert Einstein [facile à dire pour lui :P ... haha]

- "Après tout, ce qui doit venir n'est pas tant à découvrir qu'à inventer", Hélène Grimaud

- "La raison, c'est l'intelligence en exercice; l'imagination, c'est l'intelligence en érection", Victor Hugo

 

POLITIQUE

- "Conservateur:  Politicien qui affectionne les maux existants; à ne pas confondre avec le Libéral qui veut les remplacer par d'autres", Ambrose Bierce

- "La politique, c'est l'art de concilier les contraires", Robert Bourassa

- "Un bon politicien est celui qui est capable de prédire l'avenir et qui, par la suite, est également capable d'expliquer pourquoi les choses ne sont pas passées comme il l'avait prédit", Sir Winston Churchill

- "Un bulletin de vote est plus fort qu'une balle de fusil", Abraham Lincoln

 

Have a nice day!

 

Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity. --  Henry Van Dyke

 

He who controls the present, controls the past. He who controls the past, controls the future. --  George Orwell

 

The time which we have at our disposal every day is elastic; the passions we feel expand it, those that we inspire contract it, and habit fills up what remains. --  Marcel Proust

 

Take time to be sure, but be sure not to take too much time.

Repérage de billets de banque!

 

Lors de mon dernier petit road trip aux USA le mois dernier, j'ai ramassé un billet de 1$ US sur lequel était écrit www.wheresgeorge.com.

 

Je n'ai pas allumé tout de suite, ce n'est qu'hier qu'un ami du bureau m'a expliqué que c'est un site pour repérer les billets de banque! C'est vraiment cool! Tu peux suivre où le billet de banque va au cours de son existence! Des heures de plaisir! :)

 

Billets américains: www.wheresgeorge.com

Billets canadiens: www.whereswilly.com

 

A la prochaine!

 

Anthony

 

Bigfoot, Texas, USA Blow Me Down, Newfoundland, Canada Bonanza, Colorado, USA Celebration, FL, USA Chicken, Alaska, USA Climax, Michigan, USA Crackpot, England Crotch Lake, Ontario, Canada Cut and Shoot, Texas, USA Deadhorse, Alaska, USA Dildo, Newfoundland, Canada Ding Dong, Texas, USA Earth, Texas, USA Egypt, Texas, USA F**king, Austria French Lick, Indiana, USA Frostproof, Florida, USA Gun Barrel City, Texas, USA Half.com, Oregon, USA Happy, Texas, USA Hell, Michigan, USA Holy Moses, Colorado, USA Hot Coffee, Missouri, USA Humansville, Missouri, USA Hygiene, Colorado, USA Intercourse, Pennsylvania, USA

Jot 'em Down, Texas, USA Knockemstiff, Ohio, USA Last Chance, Colorado, USA Looneyville, Texas, USA Mary's Igloo, Alaska, USA Monkey's Eyebrow, Arizona, USA Nameless, Texas, USA Needmore, Texas, USA Ninety-Six, South Carolina, USA North Pole, Alaska, USA Nothing, Arizona, USA Notrees, Texas, USA Okay, Oklahoma, USA Santa Claus, Indiana, USA Shorter, Alabama, USA Smackover, Arkansas, USA Sopchoppy, Florida, USA Study Butte, Texas, USA Toad Suck, Arkansas, USA Truth Or Consequences, New Mexico, USA Two Egg, Florida, USA Valentine, Texas, USA Vulcan, Alberta, Canada Waterproof, Louisiana, USA Why, Arizona, USA

Rule #1 - Never leave a fellow Crasher behind. Crashers take care of their own.
Rule #2 - Never use your real name.
Rule #3 - Never confess.
Rule #4 - No one goes home alone.
Rule #5 - Never let a girl get between you and a fellow Crasher.
Rule #6 - Do not sit in the corner and sulk. It draws attention in a negative way. Draw attention to yourself, but on your own terms.
Rule #7 - Blend in by standing out.
Rule #8 - Be the life of the party.
Rule #9 - Whatever it takes to get in, get in.
Rule #10 - Invitations are for pussies.
Rule #11 - Sensitive is good.
Rule #12 - When it stops being fun, break something.
Rule #13 - Bridesmaids are desperate - console them.
Rule #14 - You're a distant relative of a dead cousin.
Rule #15 - Fight the urge to tell the truth.
Rule #16 - Always have an up-to-date family tree.
Rule #17 - Every female wedding guest deserves a wedding night.
Rule #18 - You love animals and children.
Rule #19 - Toast in the native language if you know the native language and have practiced the toast. Do not wing it.
Rule #20 - Always have an early "appointment" the next morning.
Rule #21 - Definitely make sure she's 18.
Rule #22 - You have a wedding and a reception to seal the deal. Period. No overtime.
Rule #23 - There's nothing wrong with having seconds. Provided there's enough women to go around.
Rule #24 - If you get outted, leave calmly. Do not run.
Rule #25 - You understand she heard that but that's not what you meant.
Rule #26 - Of course you love her.
Rule #27 - Don't over drink. The machinery must work in order to close.
Rule #28 - Make sure there's an open bar.
Rule #29 - Always be a team player. Everyone needs a little help now and again.
Rule #30 - Know the playbook so you can call an audible.
Rule #31 - If you call an audible, always make sure your fellow Crashers know.
Rule #32 - Don't commit to a relative unless you're absolutely sure that they have a pulse.
Rule #33 - Never go back to your place.
Rule #34 - Be gone by sunrise.
Rule #35 - Breakfast is for closers.
Rule #36 - Your favorite movie is "The English Patient".
Rule #37 - At the reception, one hard drink or two beers max. A drunk crasher is a sloppy crasher.
Rule #38 - Never hit on the bride! It's a one-way ticket to the pavement.
Rule #39 - The way to a woman's bed is through the dance floor.
Rule #40 - Dance with old folks and the kids. The girls will think you're "sweet."
Rule #41 - Never hit on the bride -- it's a one way ticket to the pavement
Rule #42 - Try not to break anything, unless you're not having fun.
Rule #43 - At the service, sit in the fifth row. It's close enough to wedding party to seem like you're an invited guest. Never sit in the back. The back row just smells like crashing.
Rule #44 - Create an air of mystery that involves some painful experience when interacting with the girl you're after. But don't talk about it.
Rule #45 - Always remember your fake name! Rehearse it in advance and make sure you know your fellow Crasher's code-name as well!
Rule #46 - The Rules of Wedding Crashing are sacred. Don't sully them by "improvising."
Rule #47 - You forgot your invitation in your rush to get to the church.
Rule #48 - Make sure all the single women at the wedding know you're there because you've just suffered either a terrible breakup or the death of your fiancée.
Rule #49 - Always work into the conversation: "Yeah, I have tons of money. But how does one buy happiness?"
Rule #50 - Be pensive! It draws out the "healer" in women.
Rule #51 - Always pull out in time.
Rule #52 - Tell any woman you're interested in that you'd love to stay put but you promised to help out at the homeless shelter today.
Rule #53 - It's time to put your Drama Lessons in practice! Get choked up during the service. The girls will think you're "sensitive." Bring a slice of onion or artificial tears if necessary.
Rule #54 - Avoid virgins. They're too clingy.
Rule #55 - If pressed, tell people you're related to Uncle John. Everyone has an Uncle John.
Rule #56 - Don't fixate on one woman. ALWAYS have a back-up.
Rule #57 - When seeing a rival Crasher, do not interact - merely acknowledge each other with a tug on the earlobe and gracefully move on.
Rule #58 - The Ferrari's in the shop.
Rule #59 - If two rival crashers pick the same girl, the crasher with the least seniority will respectfully yield.
Rule #60 - No "chicken dancing" - no exceptions.
Rule #61 - When crashing out of state, request permission from the local Wedding Crasher chapter.
Rule #62 - No more than two weddings a weekend. More and your game gets sloppy. You'll also attract unwanted notice.
Rule #63 - Bring an extra umbrella when it rains. Courtesy opens more legs than charm.
Rule #64 - Always save room for cake.
Rule #65 - When your crash partner fails, you fail. No man is an island.
Rule #66 - Smile! You're having the time of your life.
Rule #67 - Mix it up a little. You can't always be the man with the haunted past.
Rule #68 - Dance with the Bride's grandmother.
Rule #69 - No sex on the altar. Confessionals, okay. Chair lofts, better.
Rule #70 - Two shutouts in a row? It's time to take a week off. Ask yourself: what is it that is getting in the way of my happiness?
Rule #71 - Research, research, research the wedding party. And when you are done researching, research some more.
Rule #72 - Studies have shown that women have a more developed sense of smell. Breath mints - small cost, big yield.
Rule #73 - Keep interactions with the parents of the bride and groom to a minimum.
Rule #74 - In case of emergency, refer to the rulebook.
Rule #75 - Girls in hats tend to be proper and rarely give it up.
Rule #76 - No excuses. Play like a champion.
Rule #77 - Carry extra protection at ALL times.
Rule #78 - The unmarried female rabbi - is she fair game? Of course she is.
Rule #79 - The tables furthest from the kitchen always get served first.
Rule #80 - Stop, look, listen. At weddings. In life.
Rule #81 - Occasionally bring a gift - you're getting sex without having to buy dinner, so you can afford a blender.
Rule #82 - Always think ahead but always stay in the moment. Reconcile this paradox and you'll not only get the girl, you might also get peace of mind.
Rule #83 - Don't let the ring bearer bum your smokes. His parents may start to ask questions.
Rule #84 - Stay clear of the wedding planner. They may recognize you and start to wonder.
Rule #85 - Don't use the "I have two months to live" bit - not cool, not effective.
Rule #86 - Shoes say a lot about the man.
Rule #87 - Always choose large weddings. More choice. Easier to blend.
Rule #88 - You're from out of town. ALWAYS.
Rule #89 - Know something about the place you say you are from, whether be from another US state or another country. Texas is too-played out. For some reason, England, Germany or even New Hampshire seem to work. Master the accents convincingly, and you've nailed them!
Rule #90 - Of course you dream of one day having children.
Rule #91 - Never dance to "What I Like About You." It's long past time to let that song go. Someone will request it at every wedding. Don't dance to it. No matter how...
Rule #92 - Tell the bride's friends and family that you are family of the groom and visa-versa.
Rule #93 - Only take one car. You never know when you'll need to make a fast escape.
Rule #94 - Deep down, most people hate themselves. This knowledge is the key to most bedroom doors.
Rule #95 - Try not to show off on the dance floor. This means you Jeremy.
Rule #96 - Etiquette isn't old-fashioned. It's sexy.
Rule #97 - Catholic weddings - the classic dilemma: painfully long ceremony - horny girls.
Rule #98 - The newspaper Wedding Announcements are your racing form. Choose carefully.
Rule #99 - Be judicious with cologne. Citrus tones are best.
Rule #100 - Save the tuxes for "the big show" only.
Rule #101 - Avoid women who were psychology majors in college. There is no kind of woman more clingy and persistent than a psychologist investigating your story later on.
Rule #102 - No periwinkle colored ties, please.
Rule #103 - The older the better, the younger the better (see Rule #21)
Rule #104 - Be well groomed and well-mannered.
Rule #105 - Never cockblock a fellow Crasher. Cockblocking an invited guest--okay.
Rule #106 - Eat plentiful, digest your food. You'll need the energy later.
Rule #107 - Know when to abandon ship if it ain't floating.
Rule #108 - Know your swing and salsa dancing. Girls love to get twisted around.
Rule #109 - Always carry an assortment of place cards to match any wedding design.
Rule #110 - Make sure your magic trick and balloon animal skills are not rusty. If the kids love it, the girls will too.
Rule #111 - NEVER reveal your true identity.
Rule #112 - Have FUN! It's why you're there!!!
Rule #113 - Don't look for opportunities; make them.
Rule #114 - 3-4 months to wedding crash--funerals are year round!

Rule 115 is said late in the movie and basically says "Never walk away from a Crasher in a funny jacket."

 

Before Sunrise and Before Sunset are atypical twists on the theme of "The one that got away". In the summer of 1994, Texas native Jesse meets a young Frenchwoman Celine on a train bound for Paris and both on impulse spend 14 hours in Vienna talking through the night like Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone De Beavoir (except they actually LIKE each other). It's an intellectual match and a chemical attraction between two early 20-something adults who still have the idealism of the moment that youth is known for. At the end of their long night of goodbye Jesse and Celine depart at the train station and promise to meet up in six months time for Christmas. Before Sunrise ends with a the question of whether they did in fact, reunite in Europe.

In 2004 we get the answer. Missed connection. Bad timing and the reunion in Paris a decade later. Older, into their 30's, and significant life events behind them, Jesse and Celine pick up where they left off. Jesse went to meet Celine in Vienna but she was stuck in Paris due to her grandmother's funeral. While Jesse and Celine repeat their Vienna moments in Paris, they discover all the times they missed each other over the years in New York City. Jesse is in a loveless marriage with a young son who keeps him there. Celine has her life in Paris and is still a singleton. Before Sunset makes you wish with an intensity that they met up in Vienna in 1994 and also that they don't blow this second chance.

Perfect for a lazy Saturday afternoon when you're in the mood to ponder "what might have been". Even though Julie Delphy wrote soundtrack songs for both films, one song really seems to summarize what the twin films key message seems to convey - Bad Timing, that's all by Blue Rodeo.

Bad Timing lyrics:

Hey it's me what a big surprise
Calling you up from a restaurant
Around the bend
Just got in from way up North
I'm aching tired now
And I could use a friend
Might be a fool
To think that you do
Want to see me again

I Know it's been awhile since I talked to you
Nothing wrong
Just nothing ever goes as planned
Many times I thought I'd call
Didn't have your number in my hand
I know it's true
You'd never do
The same thing to me

I never meant to make you cry
And though I know I shouldn't call
It just reminds us of the cost
Of everything we've lost
Bad timing that's all

And maybe soon there'll come a day
When no more tears will fall
We each forgive a little bit
And we both look back on it
As just bad timing that's all

Used to have so many plans
Something always seemed to turn out wrong
Never could catch up to you
Moving on and doing all you've done
I don't know why
The harder I try
The harder it comes

I never meant to make you cry
And though I know I shouldn't call
It just reminds us of the cost
Of everything we've lost
Bad timing that's all

And maybe soon there'll come a day
When no more tears will fall
We each forgive a little bit
And we both look back on it
Just bad timing that's all

We each forgive a little bit
And we both look back on it
Just bad timing that's all

 

Reviewer: M. R. Estante "http://aralarcalifornia.blogspot.com" (San Francisco, CA)

Un groupe de ratons laveurs sauvages sème la terreur à Olympia, capitale de l'État de Washington, dans le nord-ouest des États-Unis. Ils ont tué dix chats, attaqué un petit chien et mordu une femme qui a dû recevoir un traitement contre la rage, selon des habitants.

Certains d'ailleurs ne sortent plus de chez eux sans leur bombe à poivre, voire une barre de fer pour la femme qui s'est fait mordre en protégeant son chat.

«Il s'agit d'une nouvelle race. Ce sont des animaux urbains, ils n'ont peur de rien», explique Tamara Keeton qui patrouille avec Kari Hall pour guetter ces voyous masqués. Elles tentent notamment d'empêcher les gens d'alimenter les fauteurs de trouble et de veiller à ce que les animaux domestiques et leur nourriture restent à l'intérieur des maisons.

«Nos adorions les ratons laveurs, mais cette année, les choses ont changé. Ils sont devenus fous», déclare Tony Benjamins, dont deux chats ont été tués par les animaux.

Pour en finir avec ces agresseurs poilus, les habitants d'Olympia se sont offert les services de Tom Brown, spécialiste de la capture des animaux nuisibles. Mais après six semaines et malgré les pièges qu'il a installés, Brown n'est parvenu à attraper qu'un raton laveur. Pour lui, les parents apprennent à leurs petits et à leurs congénères comment éviter ces pièges. «Ce sont eux qui commandent,» avoue Brown, vaincu.

Faire le beau et roucouler langoureusement ont toujours été un bon moyen pour attirer un représentant du sexe opposé.

Et c'est vrai autant pour les hommes que pour les coqs, mais depuis une dizaine d'années, certaines variétés de coqs s'avèrent passablement moins habiles à faire la cour que par le passé.

Selon des chercheurs, c'est l'incessante quête pour une poitrine de poulet parfaite qui en serait la cause. Certains coqs sont devenus plus agressifs sexuellement et peuvent même aller jusqu'à blesser gravement l'objet de leur affection.

"Dans les lignées de coqs développés pour l'alimentation, on en voit maintenant qui attaquent les femelles, raconte Suzanne Millman, professeure à l'école vétérinaire de l'Université de Guelph. Ils se lancent pour faire la cour sans aucun des préambules destinés à plaire aux poules."

Selon Mme Millman, ce type de comportement ne se voit que chez les coqs destinés à la reproduction des coqs de rôtisseries.

Chez les poulets ordinaires, la cour nécessite beaucoup de coopération entre la coq et la poule. Le coq commence par une parade visant à éblouir la poule puis, à la subjuguer. La routine s'achève par une "valse" alors que le coq tourne autour de la poule avec les ailes déployées.

"Cette parade est utilisée à la fois pour faire la cour et pour la bataille, explique Mme Millman. Mais chez les poulets de rôtisserie, elle ne sert qu'à des fins agressives et aucun autre des gestes typiques accompagnant la cour ne sont présents."

Au bout du compte, les poules n'acceptaient pas les avances du coq et finissaient par être blessées.

En voulant développer des coqs avec des poitrines parfaites, l'industrie a en quelque sorte négligé la reproduction chez ces types de poulet, croit Mme Millman.

Si elle ne s'en soucie pas, ajoute-t-elle, elle devra éventuellement se résoudre à reproduire ces lignées par insémination artificielle.

 

 

PC - 16 avril 2006

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his blonde wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later, while they are eating breakfast, the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.

Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered assistance, she explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking for a small-ish dog for company.

The clerk explained that the name of the store was Exotic Pets and that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace pets.

He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal. He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium, and pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it.

"Would that suit your needs?" he asked.

The woman answered, scornfully, that she hardly thought an amphibian would be a suitable companion.

"Ah," replied the salesman, leering, "but this 'amphibian' has been carefully trained ... to perform oral sex upon women."

At this the woman's eyes lit up.She eagerly negotiated a price of $500 for the frog, and left with it in her expectant possession. Arriving home, she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in anticipation. When she was thoroughly mellow, she dried herself, and arranged herself, nude, upon her bed. Parting her thighs, she placed the frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited.

Nothing happened. She prodded the frog. Still nothing. She moved it up further toward her body. Nothing. She ordered it to perform. No response.

After an hour of this frustration, she lifted the phone, and called the pet shop. When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had been cheated. The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down her address, and said he'd be right over.

Ten minutes later, he knocked on the door, and the woman answered, wearing a nightgown. He asked her to demonstrate the problem. She obliged, by disrobing and assuming her former position, with the frog in place. The frog made no movement.

"You see?" she asked, petulantly.
"Yes, I do," said the man.
Then, addressing the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, he said, "Now, I'm only going to show you this one more time..."

In praise of older women (which in our society means over 25): An older woman can wear any hat she chooses and nobody will laugh. A younger woman wearing the same hat will always look like a lampshade in a brothel.

An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night & ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.

An older woman always carries a purse full of emergency supplies. Young women go hungry and bleed to death every time there's a natural disaster.

An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.

An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of a herbal tea.

The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets... which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men. (this one ain't always true - wink, wink )

An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes. An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent lover! (child)

Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her. An older woman puts herself on a pedestal.

An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know...

Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.

An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you.

Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call...

Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out.

An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas...

Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.

Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.

Older women know what Kegel exercises are.

An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal. Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.

Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.

Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just can't get it up. A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact.

An older woman has lots of girlfriends... and most of them will want to boff you too.

An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.

An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.

C'est la Saint-Valentin et en bon petit chroniqueur qui sait deviner l'humeur du lecteur (et celle de la lectrice), je sais que vous cognez à la porte de cette chronique en quête d'une histoire d'amour.

J'en ai une, justement. Une bonne.

Elle commence en 2003. Avec Martin qui s'en va en Amérique du Sud. Martin cherche l'aventure. Il cherche à apprendre l'espagnol, le soleil, la plage, des amis...

Il trouve tout ça, Martin, et même plus: l'amour lui tombe dessus! Un soir de printemps, dans un bar où, j'imagine, les gens dansent sensuellement le tango...

 

L'amour?

Le vrai, les amis. Pur, dur, fou, passionné. Lui, c'est un géant du Québec; elle, une puce des pays chauds.

Martin pose ses sacs dans ce pays d'Amérique du Sud. Il découvre cette fille, appelons-la Juanita. Tout va bien, c'est l'amour épicé, c'est la découverte d'une nouvelle culture à travers le corps, l'âme et la tête de Juanita. Martin est au paradis...

Mais au bout de cinq mois, Martin doit rentrer au Québec: il est fauché. Martin a le coeur brisé. Juanita? Juanita le couvre de baisers, le visage plein de larmes, vous pensez bien: c'est une histoire d'amour que je vous raconte là...

S'il doit retourner au Canada, bon, ok, Martin y retournera. Mais pas avant de prouver à sa Juanita qu'il l'aime!

Qu'il l'aime vraiment!

- Veux-tu qu'on se marie, Juanita?

 

Deux ans de séparation

Y a-t-il une plus belle preuve d'amour que ça? Hein? Je vous le demande.

À l'automne, Juanita et Martin ont uni leurs destinées. Pour le meilleur et pour le pire. À cause des lois canadiennes, Juanita ne peut pas débarquer ici comme ça, sa bague au doigt. C'est pas si simple. Il y a de la paperasse à remplir. Et il y a deux ans d'attente entre le mariage et l'arrivée au pays.

L'amour de Martin, heureusement, était plus fort que la distance, les factures d'interurbains de monsieur Bell et les tracasseries bureaucratiques. Il tient le coup, pendant deux ans. La visite quatre fois. Il s'ennuie à mourir.

Mais l'amour, toutes les chansons nous l'enseignent, est plus fort que tout, n'est-ce pas...

Puis, il y a quelques semaines, juste avant Noël, Juanita est enfin arrivée à l'aéroport Montréal-Trudeau.

Dans un film d'amour, c'eût été la scène larmoyante de la fin.

Mais la vie n'est pas un film et la scène de l'arrivée à Montréal-Trudeau fut la scène d'ouverture du film d'horreur personnel de Martin.

Car la Juanita que Martin est allé cueillir à l'aéroport n'était pas la fille qu'il avait connue sous le soleil.

 

«Fils de pute!»

Elle était devenue une chipie.

Bougonneuse. Méchante. Boudeuse.

Jalouse, même!

Elle a fouillé dans sa boîte à souvenirs, a sorti des vieilles photos:

- C'est qui, ces filles-là?

- Euh, mes anciennes blondes...

- Tu me trompes, fils de pute!

L'enfer, quoi.

Sans compter qu'elle lui sacrait, de temps à autre, des claques sur la gueule.

Il y a quelques semaines, Martin a appelé les flics après avoir été giflé par Juanita.

Juanita a été accusée de voies de fait.

Elle est sortie de sa vie.

J'ai parlé à Martin, hier...

«L'amour? Tu veux que je te parle d'amour? Chu pas sûr que ça existe...»

Ah, oui, j'oubliais. Petit détail. Martin a parrainé la demande d'immigration de sa Juanita. Ça, ça veut dire qu'il doit supporter financièrement, pendant trois ans, Juanita. C'est la loi. Ça veut dire que Juanita a droit à l'aide sociale.

Mais que l'aide sociale va envoyer une facture à Martin! Pendant trois ans.

Les chansons d'amour ne parlent jamais de ça, évidemment: le prix de l'amour.

Dans le cas de Martin? Autour de 24 000 piasses. Et Martin fait 30 000$ par année. Comme il le dit, pas poétiquement du tout: «Chu pogné...»

Alors, si vous voyez Cupidon aujourd'hui, surtout, n'hésitez pas, ok ?

Vous lui donnez un coup de pied au cul et vous dites que Martin fait dire bonjour.

 

*Note de l'auteur de ce blog, cette histoire-là est vraie, c'est un ami de Québec (qui ne s'appelle pas Martin..)

 

Tiré du Journal de Montréal, 14 Fév 2006

http://www.canoe.com/infos/societe/archives/2006/02/20060214-111500.html

90 % des gens sont cons. Vous avez vos chances. Gardez-les mais ne les ruinez pas. Etre con est salutaire. Avoir l'air con est rhédibitoire. Soyez assez intelligents pour saisir la nuance.

Premier exercice : Comment ne plus avoir l'air con.
a) Le con parle pour ne rien dire. Ne dites rien. Vous ne direz rien
d'intelligent, mais ça vous empêchera de dire des conneries. Vous y gagnerez. Au lieu de dire : « Quel con ! », votre interlocuteur se dira: « Joue-t-il au con ? » C'est un premier point.
b) Si vous avez vraiment envie de parler, ne vous retenez pas. Dites vos conneries. Et concluez : « Bon, j'arrête de déconner ». Votre interlocuteur se dira : « Il joue au con ! ». C'est un deuxième point.

Deuxième exercice : Comment avoir l'air intelligent.
- Vous avez à votre disposition une série de mimiques qui donnent inévitablement l'air intelligent. Soyez assez cons pour les copier sans complexes.
a) L'Air entendu : repérez la personne intelligente. Si vous êtes dans un groupe de dix, il y a neuf cons, dont vous. La personne intelligente, c'est celle qui vous semble bizarre. Dès quelle dit quelque chose de bizarre, faites comme si vous compreniez. Même si vous n'y comprenez rien, les autres auront l'air plus cons que vous.
b) L'Air pénétrant : pensez très fort aux contraventions, aux impôts, à votre bagnole emboutie. N'en parlez surtout pas, ça ferait con. Mais pensez-y. Si vous êtes vraiment très con, ça ne vous donnera pas l'air intelligent. Mais l'air emmerdé fait toujours bien quand on ne donne pas ses raisons.
c) L'Air pénétré : même exercice que le précédent mais avec un compas
dans le cul. Avantage : donne une dimension souffreteuse.

- Vous avez aussi à votre disposition une série d'attitudes.
d) Le penseur de Rodin : asseyez-vous. Mettez votre poing fermé sous votre menton et regardez dans le vide. C'est radical. Même si vous ne pensez à rien (ce qui est normal pour un con), il se trouvera toujours un autre con pour vous dire « A quoi penses-tu ? ».
e) L'Air du type qui n'en pense pas moins :  on développe devant vous une théorie saisissante. Vous n'y comprenez rien. Reportez-vous au petit a) : l'air entendu . Pour corser, ayez l'air  non seulement de comprendre, mais d'avoir votre idée pas con là-dessus. Appliquez le petit b) : l'air pénétrant.
f) Le rictus de connivence : hochez un peu la tête de bas en haut. Appliquez l'air pénétré (le compas vous aide à crisper finement les maxillaires).

- Méfiez-vous des révélateurs involontaires de votre connerie !
g) Surveillez votre regard. Votre oeil vide et sans vie vous trahit. Par définition, vous êtes trop con pour avoir la pupille pétillante. Ne vous laissez pas abattre. Gardez l'oeil fixe.
h) Fermez bien votre bouche. Rien ne fait plus con qu'une bouche entr'ouverte. Maîtrisez-vous : ne mâchez plus de chewing-gum. Si vous êtes trop con pour exécuter en même temps les exercices oeil fixe - bouche close, utilisez le truc de la cigarette : tirez sur votre mégot et fixez la fumée.

Troisième exercice : Comment passer pour quelqu'un d'intelligent.
a) Ne perdez pas votre temps à lire des livres intelligents, à voir des films pensés... Vous n'y comprendrez rien et ça vous déprimerait. Lisez plutôt des critiques intelligentes. Apprenez-les par coeur et changez quelques mots.
Exemple : « Ce film a la beauté désertique d'une douleur sans fin » devient « Ce film a la beauté squelettique d'une couleur sans teint ». Vous ne plagiez pas vraiment et vous gagnez en hermétisme. L'hermétisme est le secret de ce troisième exercice. Quand vous dites des conneries, dites des conneries incompréhensibles. Les cons les prendront pour des finesses qu'ils ne comprennent pas et, double avantage, les gens intelligents se sentiront cons.
b) Ne faites jamais de citations. Ça fait très con. Appropriez-vous les carrément. Mais attention, ne faites pas le con ! N'utilisez pas des citations trop connues. Si un autre con vous dit : « C'est de toi ça ?», ne prenez pas l'air confus. Ne doutez pas de vous. Votre connerie native vous y aidera.

Voilà. Maintenant, vous passez à peu de frais pour quelqu'un d'intelligent. Méfiez-vous ! Des gens intelligents vont venir vous poser des questions intelligentes. Vous allez être con pour y répondre. Comment faire ? Renvoyez la balle : « Pourquoi me poses-tu cette question ? » Quand vous ne pouvez plus la renvoyer, affrontez l'adversaire. Utilisez les quelques célèbres formules qui répondront pour vous : par ordre chronologique :
- Tu vois ce que je veux dire... (la formule qui sauve)
- Il me semble que tu limites le problème... (l'autre a l'air con)
- Tu crois vraiment ce que tu dis (l'autre a l'air hypocrite) ?
- C'est tout ce que tu trouvez à dire, ben merde (l'autre a l'air   limité) !
- Tais-toi, tu m'atterres ( l'autre a l'air très con).
S'il se tait, vous avez gagné.

Ultime traquenard : la tentation de l'intelligence véritable. Attention ! Ne tombez pas dans ce panneau démoniaque ! Les gens intelligents sont malheureux. Ils ont compris qu'on était là pour vieillir et crever. Avant, il n'y a rien, après non plus, et pendant, on en chie. Comprendre, c'est perdre les avantages du con. C'est connaître le doute, la solitude, la marginalité odieuse, l'insomnie, l'angoisse, les battements de coeur, la souffrance. Et tout ça pour rien puisque vous serez toujours un con. Surtout, ne changez pas. Soyez assez intelligents pour rester cons. Et longue vie.

I must admit that playing the field is a whole lot of fun, but so is being in a serious relationship -- provided that it's with the right woman. But how do you know if she really is the right woman for you? If she possesses the following 10 traits, you better hold on to her for dear life or, before you know it, a guy who already knows where it's at will get his hands on your "goods."

She's independent
No one wants a girlfriend they have to baby-sit. Once in a while, like if she's had a rough day at work, it's great to be her shoulder to cry on, but if she can't seem to function without you and is constantly after you, she will eventually make you feel like you're suffocating, which is a surefire way to get you running out the nearest exit.

On the other hand, if she has her very own personality and opinions, can stand on her own two feet, both financially and emotionally, and is able to enjoy time away from you -- while still missing you, of course -- then she must be a great girlfriend.

She's intelligent
I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the bimbo routine gets real old, real fast. A woman who can meet you at an intellectual level is a total turn-on. Instead of being the one in total control, you'll find yourself trying to figure out what she's really thinking behind those glazed eyes of hers -- or if she's actually thinking at all.

An intelligent woman will constantly surprise you and keep you on your toes. She won't let you get bored of her. Besides, it's nice to have something to talk about between all that chandelier-hanging sex.

She's sexual
While we're on the topic, a great girlfriend has to be sexually compatible with you. For instance, if you're into S&M and she's more the "fluffy lingerie" type, that's a problem. The two of you have to be on the same page -- or, at least, she has to be willing to wear leather and use a whip from time to time.

Of course, this doesn't imply that she has to know all the right moves straight away; it simply means that you and she have an undeniable attraction towards each other, and are able to communicate your desires verbally (or with physical cues). It is important that you please each other in the bedroom, or on top of the dryer -- whatever the case may be.

She's beautiful
I know, this one is kind of obvious, but important nonetheless. A great girlfriend will not only want to look good for you, but also for herself. She should always look her best and be well put together -- matching lingerie is a definite plus.

You have to be proud to have her on your arm and enjoy the sight of her in any light. And this doesn't mean that she has to be a Heidi Klum clone. Remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so if you think her full bottom or uncontrollable curls are beautiful, you're allowed.

She respects you
This is a biggie. Your woman must respect you. This means that she listens to you, even if she doesn't necessarily agree with what you're saying. And, of course, she never tries to demean or belittle you in any way, shape, or form.

A great girlfriend won't ever cause scenes in public or in front of your friends and family, and will always wait to discuss matters with you in private. If she respects you, chances are that she will behave in a tactful and diplomatic manner in most situations, which is definitely a good thing.

 

 

She lets you be a man
Do not -- I repeat -- do not get involved with a woman who tries to get you to eat cottage cheese and fruit for breakfast and insists that you give up poker night with the guys. You will end up resenting her more than you can imagine. A good girlfriend lets you be a guy in all your glory, poker night and all. If she's a great girlfriend, she'll even bring you and your buddies a couple of beers and make you some of her famous sandwiches.

 

She's nagless
There is nothing worse than a nag! A great girlfriend knows this and chooses her battles wisely. She knows when to speak-up and when to let it slide. You don't want a girlfriend who will give you the heights of hell for leaving a couple of dishes in the sink occasionally.

 

She gets along with friends & family
A great girlfriend will not only help your mom in the kitchen, listen to your dad's stories, and hang out with your friends, she will enjoy it. She'll make a real effort to get to know and love the most important people in your life. And she won't try to get you to ditch your best buds.

 

She loves you
If you have found a woman who loves you for who you really are and not who you pretend or try to be sometimes, you should definitely hang on to her. A woman who doesn't try to change you is hard to find. Of course, everyone has their slightly annoying habits that their mate has to contend with, but if she really loves you, she will be able to cope with these.

 

She makes you want to be a better man
Stop making that face... Any man who has a great girlfriend or wife will tell you that she makes him want to be a better man. She doesn't have to say or do anything; it just is that way. If you suddenly feel bad about how you treated your sister or find yourself trying to get your finances in order, you might want to think about your motivation for doing so. It could be love.

 

So, if this list seems to describe your current flame, you, my friend, are styling. In fact, you are probably the envy of all of your friends, even if they tease you for losing your status as "king player."

Bonjour à vous, public virtuel!

 

J'ai tellement de choses à vous dire que je ne sais pas comment m'y prendre! Si je vous décrivais simplement comment je suis présentement, plusieurs d'entre vous ne pourraient comprendre étant donné tous les changements qui se sont produits en moi depuis 1 an, mais que les résultats apparaissent plus clairs maintenant.

 

J'ai donc chosi de vous faire ça dans le style des bons vieux Bye-Bye! Mais je vous garanti que ce ne sera pas mon dernier!

 

Plus de détails bientôt!

 

Anthony